5 Ways to be Self-Compassionate to Speed Up Your Healing Journey
I always thought that I needed to develop a stronger mindset and become emotionally strong or reverse the childhood trauma, but I never imagined needing self-compassion on this journey. In this blog, I talk about my journey with self-compassion and the 5 ways to be self-compassionate to speed up your healing journey. So keep reading!
After six plus months of dating this guy, I finally ended things with him. After ending our situationship, I thought I would feel better and my head would be clear. I thought the battle that ensued within me would finally end, but instead it became larger. Not only was I engulfed with thoughts that I made the wrong decision, but I also felt horrible about ending things.
After a little reflection, I realized that I was super attached to him. Now, that wasn’t surprising. I know I tend to get attached to guys I’m dating, and I know I have an anxious attachment style. But the alarms really went off when I was still attached despite not being interested in him. At this point, I knew I had some deep inner work to do. While a part of me knew that this wasn’t the one, another part of me was super attached and unwilling to let go.
I was frustrated at this part of me that wasn’t willing to let go of a person I wasn’t even interested in! I felt that I had to fix myself, or tell this part to go away, or get it together. After dabbling in parts work therapy, I knew this wasn’t a good approach, but I was frustrated.
I didn’t want to feel this unnecessary stress, uncertainty, and regret. I just wanted it all to go away and for that part of me to just shut up. One thing was certain: this was a wounded part, and it needed healing. I felt that this part of me was broken or deeply wounded.
Later, I had an insight, and it hit me. I am not broken. That part of me is just trying to protect me from some of my deepest fears—the fear of being abandoned. This fear was triggered because I feared being alone, and that part of me preferred having someone over no one. When I realized this, I felt so much compassion for that part of me and myself in general. This part of me is not broken or wounded. It is trying to help me.
Unfortunately, its help was doing more harm than good, but that’s when I realized, I don’t need fixing. In fact, I need to thank that part of me for helping me and serving me when I was most vulnerable. It’s just looking out for me. That was such an important shift that I felt. For the first time, I felt free. I finally felt like I didn’t have to do something to “fix” myself.
When I felt that shift, I finally surrendered to that part and gave it what it needed—compassion. Now you may be wondering, did the fear go away? Did I finally heal this part? To this, I’d say, no. Self-compassion did not make this part of me go away or stop doing its job, but it did allow this part to feel seen and to be heard. Sometimes, that’s more powerful than anything else and what it actually needs.
Many of us on the healing journey constantly feel the need to go to therapy, do energy clearings, read self-help books, and constantly turn ourselves into a project so that we can finally heal. But one thing that I’ve realized about healing is that it happens on its own timeline, and it happens in layers. The deeper we go on the healing journey, the more layers there are to unravel. The more you unravel, the freer you become.
So, whether you are trying to heal your attachment style, inner child, or be a kinder person to yourself, self-compassion is necessary. How can you become more self-compassionate to speed up your healing journey?
What is Self-Compassion?
Psychologists define compassion as the ability to see the suffering and pain of others, offer non-judgmental understanding, and hold a desire to alleviate the suffering of others. Similarly, self-compassion is the ability to hold a non-judgmental understanding of one’s own pain, suffering, or inadequacies and demonstrate kindness towards oneself (Neff, 2003).
There are three components to self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness (Neff, 2003; 2023).
Self-kindness involves caring for ourselves and showing ourselves understanding rather than being critical or judgmental towards ourselves (Neff, 2023). For example, if you just failed an exam, rather than being harsh or critical and saying “I can’t do anything”, self-kindness and compassion would involve asking, “This sucks, but what do I need in this moment?”
Common humanity is acknowledging that suffering, mistakes, and inadequacies are universal, and we are not special in experiencing suffering. In times of hardship, one may resort to thinking “Why me?” or believing that they are the only ones experiencing this hardship, isolating themselves. Self-compassion involves acknowledging that life challenges are universal, and while everyone experiences suffering and pain to a different degree, the experience of suffering is common (Neff, 2023). For example, if you failed an exam, common humanity would acknowledge that this can happen to anyone.
Mindfulness allows one to acknowledge the pain one is feeling without distorting it and simply accepting it. Over-identification occurs when one exaggerates the pain and, instead of acknowledging that one made a mistake, they may identify with the mistake (Neff, 2023). For example, instead of saying “I am a mistake for failing the exam”, self-compassion involves acknowledging the disappointment and sadness and recognizing that it’s a failed exam, not the end of the world. For tips on cultivating mindfulness and presence, check out this blog post.
Overall, self-compassion is more than just offering kindness to yourself. It is about seeing suffering, painful situations, and inadequacies as they are, instead of over-exaggerating them and recognizing that we are not alone in going through this experience, so that we can give ourselves the care and comfort we need.
When I stopped judging the wounded part within, asked it what it needed, and accepted it as is, I felt free. This was real progress on my healing journey. You can also make big shifts in your healing journey via self-compassion.
How can you be self-compassionate towards yourself?
There are various techniques and tools to incorporate self-compassion into your healing journey, but here are 5 ways to be self-compassionate.
1. Reflection Prompts
Reflect on your self-talk and how you treat yourself. Reflect on the following questions when you find yourself talking harshly.
- Is this what you would say to a friend? When going through a hard time, one thing you can do is ask yourself, is this what I would say to a friend I care about or a family member or someone I love? If not, then it’s time to change the self-talk.
- Would you say this to a child or a younger part of you? Would you tell a child that they are not capable or that they are a mistake? Probably not. Imagine talking to a younger part of you or a child and talk to yourself with the same level of kindness and encouragement.
2. Compassionate Self-Talk
Focus on your self-talk. Become aware of the inner critic inside of you and every time you hear yourself saying harsh or critical words, pause and replace them with kinder, supportive, and more encouraging words.
3. Affirmations
One small and slow way to begin your self-compassion journey is to say affirmations or even put them up in your workspace. It is an easy way to reprogram your subconscious mind for self-compassion rather than self-criticism. Here is an example of the affirmations I had in my workspace. You can design your own affirmations based on what you need.
4. Mindfulness-Based or Loving-kindness Meditations
There are various loving-kindness and mindfulness-based meditations to try. Here is a loving-kindness meditation to try out. There are also various short self-compassion practices by Dr. Neff to try out if you’re not a fan of meditation.
5. Inner Child Meditation
This is personally something that is highly effective for me, especially on the healing journey. Most often, when we consciously know that we’ve been hurt but our reaction is out of proportion to what actually happened, our inner child is involved.
This is when I like to go inward and tend to my inner child. I imagine a younger version of me who is hurt or in pain. I ask her what she’s feeling and what she needs in this moment, and try to offer that to her. Usually, she wants to be heard, seen, or understood. I try to offer her compassion, love, and try to meet her needs. Usually, I feel a shift right away. This is one of the most powerful and effective self-compassionate practices for me because it addresses the root.
Here is a powerful guided inner child meditation practice you can try out right away. Once you feel comfortable with these practices, you can create your own practice to connect with your inner child!
Conclusion
When you find yourself frustrated or stuck in a situation, give yourself more compassion. Ask yourself what you need and what you can do to care for yourself. Instead of getting frustrated, ask yourself, how is this part or behaviour or situation serving me? Try out these 5 ways to be self-compassionate to speed up your healing journey and leave a comment saying what works for you!
References
Neff, K. D. (2023). Self-Compassion: Theory, Method, Research, and Intervention. Annual Review of Psychology, 74:193-217.
Neff, K. D. (2003b). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2, 85-102.