How I broke free from the ‘good girl’ mentality
The time I stopped being the good girl…
I disappointed some people.
The time I stopped being the good girl…
I made some people uncomfortable.
The time I stopped being the good girl…
I upset some people.
The time I stopped being the good girl…
I broke some hearts.
The time I stopped being the good girl…
I freed myself.
The people-pleaser with the good girl mentality
I was always the exemplary kid. The one that parents always gave as an example to their kids to emulate. My parents never compared me to anyone because I was the quintessential good girl with the good girl mentality. My goals in life were to be an astronaut, and to get there, I was going to be an engineer. I was every parent’s dream.
In school, I always got good grades and was a sincere student. I never dated any boys, let alone talked to them, because I was told not to. I was a timid and quiet girl — exactly who society wanted me to be. Basically, I was the perfect brown daughter.
I always had the desire to please others and gain approval. I was a people-pleaser. To ensure I don’t upset anyone, I became someone I wasn’t. I wanted to live someone else’s life, and I was proud of that decision.
But somewhere inside, a creeping feeling of loneliness and emptiness was growing. Inevitably, I had an identity crisis because I didn’t know who I was.
Am I just an academic nerd who studies all day?
Is my identity defined by my grades and the fact that I am a good student?
Am I just a stereotypical people-pleasing person with a good girl mentality?
This is how many people around me viewed me, and I don’t blame them. Their perception of me was influenced by what they saw. Somewhere, that perception of others became my perception of myself. I was happy when I got good grades and easily upset when I didn’t do well in school because somewhere that good girl mentality was my identity. Achieving my career goals was my only aspiration and identity.
I had friends, but I never truly felt connected to them. Outside of school, I didn’t have many hobbies or interests. I also didn’t go out much or party like most people.
Slowly but surely, I began to question this identity. I was unhappy, lost, confused, and empty.
Breaking free from expectations and people-pleasing
I ignored these feelings until the emptiness amplified into anxiety, and I knew I had to make a change. The smallest step I ever took was journaling. I began journaling about my feelings and thoughts. While my problems didn’t magically disappear, I felt lighter after journaling.
However, it wasn’t enough. I felt a lot of anxiety around my career. I was worried if I was even going to become an astronaut — after all, that defined me. To ease this anxiety, I visited a career counsellor. I remember this one question that she asked that changed my life at the moment. She asked, “What do you like?”
This was a revelation to me because, for a moment, I broke free from all expectations I had of myself, which were essentially the expectations of others. I replied, “I am fascinated by how people think and why they think the way they do.” This made me realize my passion for psychology and understanding human nature in general. However, not once did I say I like machines or medicines.
That’s when I realized, I never wanted to be an engineer or a doctor or an astronaut. Reflecting on what I wanted and liked started with my career, but it had a slow and rippling effect on other parts of my life, too.
When I permitted myself to break free from expectations, whether my own or others, I broke a barrier. Instead of seeking the opinions and validation of others, I asked myself what I wanted and what I liked.
People-pleasing, being the good girl and having the good girl mentality were ingrained in me, but slowly I changed these ways of being and unlearned — not to become someone, but to shed light on who I always was.
Later, I realized I was a soft, creative visionary with big dreams and bold visions. I was a changemaker, a status quo disrupter, and someone who isn’t afraid to stand up for herself and others.
Yet, ironically, everything I was before that was in complete contrast to who I really am, and this entire journey has been a homecoming to my true and most authentic self. So, when I stopped being the good girl, I freed myself and came home to my authentic self.
Self-discovery and living authentically
So, instead of continuing to become a doctor like I thought I should, I started exploring. That’s when I changed careers from aspiring doctor to psychologist to now entrepreneur. I definitely disappointed some people who expected me to be a doctor, but I finally freed myself.
When things got really tough, instead of shutting down and sucking it up like I always did, I dared to step out of my comfort zone and, for the first time, I sought help.
Instead of being the quiet and shy girl, I spoke up, and for the first time, I felt seen and heard instead of invisible.
Instead of constantly thinking about others and ways that I can please them, I started to say no when I wanted to, and I started to set boundaries.
Rather than agreeing with what everyone said, I dared to speak up and shared my disagreement.
Instead of tolerating disrespect, I chose to walk away.
When I stopped being the good girl, I chose myself. I started living as a more authentic version of myself. I did not find myself overnight. It was the small but important shifts that allowed me to break free from my old version and give birth to a new version of myself. The transformation was not overnight but in the small moments when I chose and acted differently.
If you are reading this, chances are you are also a people-pleaser and maybe you also struggle to live authentically. Have you broken out of the good girl mentality? If not, what is one thing you’re going to do differently to get one step closer to your authentic self and break free from the good girl mentality? Comment below!