The transformative power of difficult conversations

I remember the moment when my friend said to me that she wanted to talk about something that upset her and I thought sure, why not? Little did I imagine that I was the person who made her upset.

“Please don’t take this the wrong way she said but when we talked yesterday, I felt super deflated with the way you reacted when I was sharing the things I was very excited about,” she said.

“Oh,” I said. Something inside of me also deflated.

I patiently listened to what she had to say but not completely processing everything she said. A couple of hours later, the storm hit me. A rough day’s emotions and on top of that, my friend complained that I made her upset, that too over something that felt pretty trivial to me, at least, initially. I felt angry and upset and just went to sleep.

The next morning though I finally processed everything within me and sent one long text about what I felt in response to her comment and sought clarification for points where I felt I didn’t understand what upset her.

She responded thoughtfully to each and every point and I realized that if I were in her shoes, I would have felt the same way. She was super excited about something and I barely listened because I was so caught up in my head. On top of that, I made a happy moment that was supposed to be about her and turned it about me.

When I put myself in her shoes, I finally understood why she was upset. I told her I get it and apologized. I realized she needed my presence and I couldn’t give that to her because I wasn’t in the most receptive state myself. Especially because she has always been the listener in our dynamic, I wasn’t used to listening to her. I told her that the next time she needs to share something important, she should let me know in advance so I can prepare myself mentally.

By the end of the conversation, I felt so relieved, so seen, heard, and understood. I also felt much more connected to her.

She also felt satisfied and content after our conversation.

This is the power of a difficult conversation.

What is a difficult conversation and why is it important?

According to Wikipedia, a difficult conversation is “a dialogue addressing sensitive, controversial, or emotionally charged topics, often with the potential for conflict, discomfort, or disagreement.”

Generally, difficult conversations feel hard and uncomfortable but often foster a deeper connection with others.

It is so easy to brush things under the rug and build resentment but resentment is like a slow poison. Eventually, it catches up to you and your relationships.

Now maybe you’re one of those people who doesn’t hold a grudge or doesn’t let things bother them or maybe you forgive and forget. In which case that’s all great! But answer this question for yourself. Would you ever feel comfortable sharing and disclosing with that person how they made you feel even if you’ve forgiven them?

If the answer is no, you probably don’t feel safe being emotionally vulnerable. For some relationships, this may be perfectly okay and not needed but perhaps for other relationships where you desire being close to the person, this may prevent a deeper connection.

Why do difficult conversations = deeper connections?

Difficult conversations allow us to communicate our feelings and emotions which make us feel seen, heard, and understood. Similarly, they allow us to hear, see, and understand the other person’s needs. Essentially, difficult conversations allow us to communicate our needs and suggest ways that others can help meet them.

Ultimately, relationships are transactional and feeling resentful and upset is normal but its important to realize that if certain relationships are not meeting our emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, or even financial needs, you are going to need to have a difficult conversation at some point.

A difficult conversation also becomes important when you see a pattern in your relationship that is bothering you. For example, suppose you sometimes vent to your significant other about a problem but you never really feel better afterwards because they always end up giving advice rather than truly listening to you and validating your emotions. Over time, you may not want to approach your partner for these venting sessions and even if you do, you’ll never really feel satisfied because your partner could not meet your needs.

While you may forgive your partner every time, it doesn’t solve the issue or pattern which is going to repeat itself because your partner doesn’t know that what they’re doing is affecting you negatively.

In these situations, it becomes important to have a difficult conversation.

How do you have a difficult conversation?

1. Acknowledge your emotions

Pay attention and be mindful of when you feel upset, hurt, or resentful. Don’t brush it off. Acknowledge the emotions. The first step to creating any change is self-awareness so that’s where you have to start. Notice when you’re upset, angry, hurt, or when you feel resentful. Keep a diary and write down who triggered you and why. Consider these prompts as a starting point.

1. What am I feeling? Pay attention to your body.
2. Who or what situation led me to feel this way?

This is where I started. I noticed I felt angry and upset. If you are new to journaling, check out this blog post.

2. Regulate your emotions: Calm down

Do what you need to do to calm yourself and bring the intensity of the emotion down. It’s important to calm yourself down before having a difficult conversation. You want to respond and have an emotionally mature conversation, not a fight where you feel more unseen, unheard, and misunderstood. Do what you need to do. Ideally, don’t have the conversation on the same day. Sleep on it, walk away, and take some time to process your emotions. After sleeping, I didn’t feel as emotionally charged as I did the day before.

For tips on regulating your emotions, check out this amazing resource.

3. Reflect on your triggers

Reflect on why you feel this way. What triggered you? In the first step, you wrote down that person X made you upset/angry because they did Y. What about that action or what they said upset you? Is it the words or the tone? The action or the inaction? Is what they did or said a regular pattern? Is there a need not being met or a behaviour of the person that you dislike? How can they serve your needs better?

For me, I realized I don’t like making others upset because it makes me feel like I did something wrong. But I also realized that that is inevitable and I’m not always going to make people happy. I realized I was genuinely confused about my friend’s reaction and asked for clarification.

For more tips on cultivating self-awareness, check out this post.

4. Think about how you are going to communicate

Think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Now that you have reflected on how you felt and what triggered you, consider what information to share and how you will communicate it. It’s important to be emotionally mature and not trigger the other person as that just leads to a vicious cycle.

5. Communicate

Communicate with kindness. Be calm. Use gentle and soft-spoken language and communicate what you need and how they can serve you better. I communicated over text using respectful, kind, well-thought-out responses but I was also direct.

Conclusion

If there’s one thing you take away from this blog post, let it be this. Oftentimes, we shy away from difficult conversations because being vulnerable is difficult and one of the hardest things to do. Yet, it is the most liberating as well. The transformative power of the difficult conversation lies in seeing the other person and letting them see you.