How to stop feeling like a failure

Failure.

Rejection.

They feel like defeat.

It feels like someone robbed you of you.

You no longer feel confident in yourself and your abilities.

Failure. Rejection.

Such powerful constructs hold the ability to destroy your life.

But…

They can also hold the key to a new version of yourself.

An opportunity to reinvent yourself.

What do you choose?

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In life, we always have a choice. Always.

We cannot control many things but we can always choose. We cannot control whether or not employers hire us, whether we get a promotion, or how others feel about us.

But one thing that we always have control over is our reactions to any situation. This is why we always have a choice. We can always choose how we react to something or whether we react to it at all.

Failing at something or being rejected is a classic example of this. We may or may not have control over whether we succeed or fail but we can always choose how we react to it. You can continue feeling like a failure or choose to look at failure differently.

The current problem in our society: Why you feel like a failure

The problem in our society right now is the way that these constructs are framed. Society and the majority of the people on this planet view failure as a terrible thing. Rejection is taken so personally.

Students begin to doubt their abilities. Their confidence dips and they begin to believe that they cannot succeed. Maybe even that they are not capable. Similarly, you begin to believe you are not good enough. That you are only meant to stay where you are. Success is not for you. You are not worthy of it. Perhaps you’re not where you want to be in life. You didn’t imagine life to look like this and now you feel like a failure.

With these thoughts and beliefs come vicious emotions. We feel shame, embarrassment, guilt, and other toxic emotions. These feelings then perpetuate the beliefs and doubts. It is a constant cycle that feeds itself.

So how do you break this cycle? To break it, you need to understand the root of the problem.

The root of the problem: Feeling like a failure

The root of this problem is not only in our perception of the construct but also in our ability to regulate our emotions. The toxic emotions of guilt, shame, and embarrassment keep us stuck in these thoughts and beliefs. We become addicted to them and unable to think better because we don’t know how to regulate our emotions.

The ability to regulate our emotions can improve our thought patterns and get us out of this rut. But the root is deeper than our abilities to regulate emotions.

The root is that we judge. We judge the emotions that don’t feel good. Similarly, we judge failing and rejection as being a “bad” thing because it doesn’t feel good. It hinders our reputation. It makes us worry about what others will think. That is actually quite useful because hundreds of years ago, worrying about what others will think helped us survive. But now, not so much.

Similarly, the emotions that we feel serve a purpose. They are not bad. They simply exist to guide us and our behaviours. Guilt helps us learn from our mistakes. Embarrassment allows us to learn what is socially approved. Shame tries to protect us. Even though these emotions are uncomfortable, they serve a purpose.

The problem is that often these emotions stay in the body for longer than needed because we don’t know how to regulate them. Instead, we judge them and suppress them to the deep corners of our minds. Then the subconscious replays patterns or thoughts that make us feel these emotions.

So what’s the solution? How do we stop feeling like a failure?

The solution: How to stop feeling like a failure

Now logically, you can work on emotion regulation and that will help. But that is not the permanent solution.

To stop feeling like a failure, you need to stop viewing failure as a “bad” thing. The solution is quite simple but perhaps harder to implement. Don’t judge failure and rejection. That’s it. Don’t judge the emotions that come with failure or rejection.

The emotions are simply a result of the years of social conditioning that we are so used to. If you think about getting rich or wealthy, how does that feel? You probably feel good because we’ve been conditioned to see it that way. However, people tend to feel not-so-great emotions or toxic emotions even after getting rich or being wealthy. So then why do we judge the challenging situations only?

The key to overcoming failure or rejection is to not judge it as being a bad thing. Accept it. It is what it is. Then reframe it to see what it carries with it.

Napoleon Hill writes “Every adversity, every failure, and every heartache carries with it the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit.”

Failure may bring a possibility of something new and better. Perhaps a chance to reinvent yourself or a new opportunity. Fresh beginnings.

Rejection may be a redirection. It provides an opportunity to explore something you may never have thought of before. Think of failure and rejection in terms of possibility rather than being doomed. Thinking of possibility will shift your perception and remove judgment.

As cliché as it may sound, failure or rejection can bring possibilities. For example, getting fired or laid off from a job can feel daunting but it can be your golden opportunity to start your small business. Feel gratitude even in these challenging times because, at the very least, they build your character.

Ultimately, there is no such thing as failure. It is a man-made construct and something that is man-made can be deconstructed. All you need to do is realize that it is nothing but a judgment of your situation. If you perceive your situation in a different way, failure or rejection will cease to exist.

Did you know that Einstein didn’t start speaking until he was four and reading until he was seven. He even had learning disabilities. J.K Rowling’s famous Harry Potter series was rejected multiple times before it was accepted by a publisher? Imagine if she called herself a failure and gave up. The world would be quite different without her contributions and you may never get to try butter beer!

The moral of the story is everyone feels the sting of failure. But if you keep judging it and feeling terrible, you won’t get anywhere. Reframing failure gives you back the power to direct your life. It is empowering and that empowerment gives rise to a new identity.

The choice is yours. What do you choose?

Comment below. I’d love to know your thoughts.