Why am I not happy in life: The missing key to happiness

Everyone WANTS to be happy. But only a few of us truly know HOW to be happy. Even if you’re not aware that you’re searching for happiness, you are searching for it in an indirect way. Ask yourself, what are you pursuing right now? What are you chasing right now?

Are you trying to get that new job?

Or make more money?

Are you trying to lose body weight?

Keep asking yourself why you are pursuing that goal.

Why do you want to make more money? Assuming you’re already paying your bills and surviving, what more can money bring you? Maybe it is the lavish lifestyle you want. Why do you want a lavish lifestyle? Maybe so that you can have fun and be happy.

But if you read about the hedonic treadmill theory, you’d know that pursuing goals isn’t the best way to pursue happiness. Once we get the outcome we want, we come back to our baseline levels of happiness because we adapt.

Most likely you are chasing a goal to pursue this elusive concept of happiness. Maybe you’ve achieved it and you’re still not happy. Maybe you haven’t and you’re trying to be happy without it. Whatever the reason, you’re probably here because you’re wanting to understand how to truly be happy.

But the million-dollar question is what is happiness? Everyone chases it in some form but what is true happiness?

The 2 myths of happiness

Before we get to what happiness truly is and how to truly be happy, let’s understand what happiness isn’t.

1. Happiness is a feeling.

Many mistakenly believe that happiness is a feeling that you get when you achieve something, when you have more money, or when you have the body type you want. But let me ask you one thing. How long did your happiness last after you got what you wanted? How long did that feeling last? Maybe a few minutes, a few hours, or even a few days. But ultimately, that feeling probably passed and you were on to the chase for something else. This is also known as the hedonic treadmill theory.

So now reflect on this. Do you really think that happiness is a feeling if it is so fleeting?

Feelings are fleeting. What you felt was probably joy which is an emotion. Happiness is a state, not an emotion.

If we look at this myth from a scientific lens, there is an agreement with this philosophy. According to science, happiness is a state of mind, not an emotion. In science, happiness is actually known as well-being. Well-being is a broader concept that embodies happiness and what it means to live a good life.

2. I will be happy when…

Unconsciously or consciously, we all think this. We think that when we get that promotion, that boyfriend, that money, or that health, we’ll be happy. We think we need that thing or those few things and then we can be happy.

I know that’s true for me too. I feel like once I’m in a stable position with money, a secure job, and doing what I love, I’ll be content, satisfied and happy. But I keep chasing. I never seem to secure what I need to be happy. Even when I finally do achieve the things I want, the feelings of contentment and satisfaction are somehow missing.

This made me wonder if there is any point in chasing outcomes. I realized happiness does not come from getting what you desire or instant gratification.

Based on the science of well-being, getting what we want can be good for our well-being but it isn’t the whole picture. Getting our desires can boost our happiness or well-being because it temporarily brings us positive emotions like joy. But those emotions are fleeting. This is known as hedonic well-being which suggests that happiness comes from things that bring us pleasure such as food, sex, and instant gratification.

This again leads to the million-dollar question. If hedonic happiness isn’t the whole picture, how do we truly gain happiness?

Why you aren’t happy in life: What happiness really is

There is also this concept of eudaimonic well-being in science. This suggests that we derive happiness from meaning, purpose, and authenticity. This is quite contrasting with hedonic well-being.

We know that happiness is not a feeling, nor is it dependent on external things. We know this because after we receive our desires, we eventually habituate. This means that happiness is internal and it is a state of being.

Maybe you’ve even tried to increase your happiness or well-being levels by practicing gratitude or being your best self but you’re still not as happy as you’d like to be. Here’s why.

Happiness is a state when you are present in the moment and accept it fully without the desire to change anything. Think back to a time in your life when you were really happy. It could be a week ago or maybe it was in your childhood.

Remember those times and those feelings.

Now reflect on why you were so happy during those times. Maybe it was because you had everything you wanted or you were having lots of fun. Whatever the surface reasons are, dig deeper.

Eventually, you’ll realize that you were really happy because you were in the present moment and you fully surrendered to it. You had no desire to change it.

You can find meaning and purpose by being in the present moment. Both of these are part of eudaimonic well-being. Well-being is composed of both eudaimonic and hedonic well-being. The key to a happy life is to balance both hedonic and eudaimonic happiness.

Why you struggle to be happy and the missing key to happiness

When we desire to change something in our life, it is because we seek growth or are trying to overcome a challenge. This often results in dissatisfaction with the now. That maybe why you are not happy in the now.

Generally, the changes we seek are external. Anything that is external, we have less than 100% control over it. But we have 100% control over anything that is internal. Happiness is internal. If you’ve tried practicing gratitude or other scientifically backed ways to be happier and they haven’t worked, it’s probably because you’re missing the key to happiness.

You aren’t happy in life because you aren’t in the present moment. Being in the present moment is key to your happiness.

We can derive a state of happiness by being in the present moment as much as possible. When you’re in the now, you’ll realize that sooner or later, you begin to feel this sense of flow. Maybe you’re at work and because you’re fully surrendered to the present moment, you get insights and inspirations easily. Thus you perform highly at work.

Maybe you’re fully surrendered to the moment when playing with your kids and thus, your bonding gets better. Your relationships flourish. The possibilities and miracles of being in the present moment are truly endless.

Now it is hard to accept the present moment if you’re truly in danger or there is a threat to your being. But that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about being present at the moment when you truly are safe. Instead of ruminating about how something didn’t go to your plan, you just accept what is and continue with that present moment awareness.

Imagine what it would feel like to just be content with the now. Imagine fully surrendering to this moment without the desire to change anything or think about the past or future. Imagine having everything you’ve ever desired and surrender to the now.

How to truly be happy by being in the present moment

Now it’s very easy to be in the flow and be happy when life flows according to your plans or when you have everything you want. But it’s harder to be happy when life is not what you planned it to be or when things don’t go your way.

The reality is that most of us, if not all will face the reality where life is not going according to our plans. When you don’t have what you want, it’s harder to be happy, but it is possible.

The key to truly being happy is to shift your way of being. Instead of being in your head or in the past or future, be here in the now. Find ways to come back to the present moment. By being here in the now, you will feel a sense of flow, meaning, and purpose. You’ll also enjoy the little pleasures of life a lot more!

So how can you be present at the moment and surrender to it?

How can you wholeheartedly accept the moment without desiring anything?

What are some tools that you have to come back to the present moment?

Journal on these questions or comment below!